In Defense Of Transparency

I began this entry on Friday evening and in a relatively short time, I had written close to 1500 words. A couple of cycles of editing on Saturday and I was ready to post it to my blog. I didn’t and I won’t. What I had written was no better or worse than any of my previous entries, but it was lacking something: ME

I know now why I write more and more, and it is not tied to any delusion of publishing or accomplishment. I do so in search of myself. I know that sounds sort of pat, but I also know that it is so. I am enjoying myself at this moment. I am listening to new music that I have really come to like; music that I should have liked long ago. In this case, it is the John Butler Trio and with this bunch the enjoyment in listening is at times, as much about an association and its related, as it is the music itself. In both cases it is special to an older soul such as me.

If you know me, or if you are a reader of my blog, you can’t help but note that I am inextricably linked to music. I find my own meanings in songs.  Lyrics most times produce no more or no less of a connection than those lyrics that can’t be  found within an instrumental. In other words, I don’t always pay attention to them. But then again I do. I have to, they are part of the song. In my own way, what I am trying to say is that I take my own form of inspiration from the music that I have come to enjoy. For me, music, serves primarily as a source for inspiration. I don’t look to the Curt Cobain’s of the world for guidance, yet I look to inspire myself in whatever manner I can. So, “Nevermind” can often do the trick.  This is likely the reason as to why I don’t favor country music as perhaps I should: You can’t help but notice the lyrics. Music is more of a feel thing to me.

The problem with listening to music as I write is that I will drift with the changes. I will be writing with one thing in mind during one song and then begin writing about another with the next. In the end I always try to tie it together but that is not always the case. Unfortunately, that is how my mind works. This entry is one of those times. So, I will try now to get back on track. Wish me the best.

I think I remember where I was. It was somewhere along the lines of finding myself through my writing. Let’s go back to the music of John Butler for moment. Though I am listening to his latest two albums on cycle as I write this, I have at this very moment posted a video to Facebook that is at least 6 years old. The song reflects my mood for this day, which at current is all over the place. There is not much meaning in the lyrics for me because it a solo guitar instrumental. The lyrics, I suppose, are what is being written here.

As noted, the video, the song, has been around for some time. I just didn’t know about it. So now, I can either lament the fact that I am 6 years behind in enjoying something or try to celebrate the freshness that it provides on this particular morning. I choose the latter, which now leads back to ME and the reason for my writing this morning:To discover something that has always been there and to hopefully find a celebration of sorts within myself. A proverbial light at the end of a tunnel as some would say.  In this case a tunnel that has narrowed very tightly around me but, from the best I can hope, appears to funnel outwards to a most welcoming hint of bluer skies.  The verdict is out on the proverbial bluer skies, but for this morning, the rain that has arrived is a relief of sorts. It allows me the freedom to write. The blue skies can wait for another day.

As the title might suggest, I am going full bore openness this morning. Being open is one form of transparency. Casper has his own form; a negligee yet another. Glass, I know to have one, but it is transparent in both directions. I think the transparency I seek this morning is more that of a mirror: In regard to one’s self is there anything more transparent than your reflection in a mirror? What you see is exactly what is. The same can be said for what I am trying to capture here today.

I am not without foible when it comes to all things honest. Honesty, being a form of transparency in the fact that it is lacking in deceit. However, for the most part I tend to be more honest than otherwise, though my directness in such  has many times resulted in more ill than good.

I have often told of my interview with APAC. This was for a position in Pensacola, a place I knew not of until I began planning the stops for a job search that began in Charlotte. I liked Pensacola then and I miss it now.  That is the truth.

During the interview with APAC and sometime after the pleasantries and bullshit had subsided, the HR director interjected with the question: “What is one of your biggest strengths?” I thought it to be a stupid question at the time. I still do. My reply was a simple, “I tend to be honest.”   I didn’t elaborate but instead let the resulting and somewhat uncomfortable moment of silence linger, anticipating fully well the next question that would sever the silence. “What is one of your biggest weaknesses?” came as expected, and without hesitation I responded, “I tend to be honest”.

The same answer to a series of questions that by design demanded opposing responses. Naturally, I expanded on the latest reply with considerably more detail and no doubt contributed my thoughts on how the same answer can be characterized so differently. I summed my response by saying that many times some don’t want a true response to a question. They are but looking for reaffirmation and unfortunately, my tendency for direct response does not always fly as it should. On this day I was offered the position I was seeking.

In matters that matter, I am not prone to take the easy way out.  So, whether it be as complex as matters of the heart or just the everyday, “How are you?” (I lie on this one often by responding “fine” and these days it seems I do it more so than from the days of before), I approach it in a manner that many times betrays that which I truly am.

Along this line of thought, I have many times over been accused of being a smart ass, a charge to which I have no defense. However, I have also at times been wrongfully charged simply because of a directness of manner that is dictated by my tendency to speak that which is on my mind. On the other hand, I am sometimes given too much credit for acting on an impulse in an attempt to express how I feel in an appreciative way. Each of these are but a byproduct of ME. It is who I am. On the latter, the showing of a random act of kindness, it is in the difference made by such that I am  attempting to somehow acknowledge here today. There is no point or hope in my acknowledgement of the former, my being a smart ass.

Over the last year or so, as the tunnel has grown longer and narrower, I have become guilty of taking the opportunity for random acts of kindness. I do so to acknowledge a difference made or for no other reason than to bring a smile. One for myself and one for others. To do so adequately, many times requires that attention be paid. So, if I have a love or appreciation for something these days, I tend to seek it out. Not literally of course, as some of the things I have come to appreciate the most are often the things which are to be left by the way side. This is not always by intention but instead out of desperation. I want to become who I know I am not at this time. I have lost ME somewhere. Maybe not all, but certainly large chunks.

Is it because of the advancing years? I don’t know.  What I do know is that it has been going on for quite some time. I used to sing in the rain, but now that sudden burst of brightness in the tunnel is but an opening to a storm drain above. It flashes briefly in a brilliance of brightness before being flooded from the storm waters of a darker sky; Waters in which I no longer dance.

So, if I by chance I offend you or hurt you with my deeds or words, don’t take it to heart. Just call me out. My eventual response will reveal my intent. On the other hand, if I have taken the time to listen, to exhibit patience even, to attempt to maybe bring a smile or to provide for a promise of better days, take it as it is meant. Anymore, I shun the bad and fully embrace the good. It is a good plan. I intend to employ it much more frequently.

By its very definition transparency can’t be hidden or disguised. I can defend all day actions that are by design, true of heart and aimed solely to acknowledge or to show appreciation or affection. The brightness of joy can cast light on many. In the tunnel that I currently occupy, that brightness can sustain the day.

One of the nicer things about happy things is that they tend to sustain themselves. They provide a bonus of sorts. Bonus points earned over the last few days, can be redeemed at most anytime one chooses. All it takes is the memory of such and the associated smile that it will bring. A simple thank you, in any manner received, can go a long, long way.

The little things I do, though many times few and far between, serve a dual purpose. They are as much for ME as they are for you.

** I apologize for the length. My Professor has set for me a goal of 2000 words a week, whether they be for my writing or for my mental health. Teachers, in this case a friend, are like that.  Teachers, particularly those with goodness of heart, should be paid more.